I’ll think about it tomorrow

Saturday it finally happened.  The day we have been planning for months finally arrived.  Stuart and Miss Lilac’s wedding day.  All my family had gathered, my girls looked beautiful in their flower girl dresses.  Caroline made it down the aisle behind Grace and Lee. 

Then came Miss Lilac, she was stunning.  And when I looked back at Stuart he had put on his glasses.  He had put on his glasses so he could see his beautiful bride as she walked down the aisle toward him. 

There is a sticker I have on my facebook page “All I Want is One Guy to Prove to Me They Aren’t All the Same.”  My track record with men doesn’t speak that well for me.  The truth is I keep choosing the wrong kind of guy and hoping the outcome is going to be different.  

In case you were wondering things did not work out with Home Run Hitter.  I did go to his game, the one I blogged about.  Apparently he was telling people “Mr. Politican’s daughter is coming to see me tonight.  She is really chasing me.”  Honest truth is I was, but what he showed is that he really hasn’t changed all that much from high school.  He is still the same obnoxious brat he always was.  So I’m working on accepting the experience for what it was, a learning experience. 

Because the good ones are out there.  Who would have thought the one to prove it to me would be my baby brother?  The simple act of putting on his glasses.

Perhaps I have been focusing too much on how the wedding effects my life.  After all it is Stuart that is getting married.  And really I am so happy for him and I love Miss Lilac.  And when he gets married tomorrow I’m sure I will cry, I am a crier but really they will be good tears, I promise.

I honestly don’t remember the first time I met Miss Lilac.  She and Stuart started dating the summer between his sophomore and junior year in college four years ago.  Last summer Miss Lilac came on our family vacation to Lake Champlain.   We had a great time, she fit right in, pitched right in and charmed my children.  Grace is still talking about how much Miss Lilac liked her hair after Grace “fixed it” for her.

For her Christmas present this year Stuart took Miss Lilac to a show at the Kennedy Center.  While they were gone I called my Dad and said “Do you think he’s proposing?”  Dad said, “No, I don’t.”  Then Dad got another call on call waiting, it was Stuart and I just knew what he was calling to say.  So I waited patiently by the phone.  About 10 minutes later Stuart called to tell me he had indeed proposed and yes, they wanted the girls to be flower girls.  Just so you know it’s not like that was the only reason I wanted my brothers to get married but with three younger brothers I figured they should get the chance at least once.  (Lee and Jackson this does not mean you are off the hook, Caroline has at least 5 or 6 more good years at flower girl age.)

The invitation to be a bridesmaid was an added bonus.  The opportunity I have had to get to know my soon-to-be sister-in-law has been priceless.  I got to see her interact with her friends at the bachlorette party.  Her friends are a great group of girls and I am a firm believer that it matters the sort of people you surround yourself with.  Then last Friday night we went out to dinner and had one of those great get to know you talks.  And this week she listened and provided positive reinforcement as I went on and on about Home Run Hitter on gchat.

Twenty four years ago I found out Mom was pregnant again and I began begging for a sister.  My dream alluded me then, in a week Stuart will finally make that dream come true.  A sister, thanks Stuart, you couldn’t have found a better girl if I had picked her myself.

That’s what they say right?  Weddings and funerals bring families together.

A few minutes ago I called my grandfather’s cell phone.  He Hee… Sorry the idea of this 82 year old man talking on a cell phone still makes me laugh.  Anyway he, my aunt, my uncle and my cousin are driving in together from Wisconsin.  When I called they were in Charleston.  I really was calling to ask my aunt a favor, my dress for the rehearsal needs the shoulder straps shortened and she is a brilliant seamstress.  Of course she will, it’s was really more one of those “heads up I’m putting you to work” calls.

Then I opened my e-mail and found a question from another cousin asking for the address of the B & B where she is staying.  Her immediate family fills up this beautiful B&B run by friends of mine.  Her brother is the groomsman who is walking me down the aisle.  He and his wife will be in town tonight.  Because the groomsmen will be gathering Friday morning for their soiree. 

Plus the rest of Baby Cousin’s family should arrive sometime on Friday.  Oh, and of course Lee and Jackson are flying in tonight with their girlfriends.

I love being surrounded by family.  Now I realise that for some of you this may cause stress, not me.  For the most part visits with my family run smoothly, there is no infighting, nobody has ever been disowned.   For the most part we set aside our differences, like my aunt and uncle voted for Al Gore – on purpose, and enjoy being together.  And with Mr. Wrong out of the picture I don’t have anyone’s feelings to babysit.

Wow after months of planning the wedding weekend is finally upon us.  Seriously!

My brother Jackson posted recently about 27 Dresses one of my favorite romantic comedies.  He was “forced” into watching it by his girlfriend and goes on to explain why it was a complete waste of his time.  Well maybe it was a waste of his time or maybe he missed the whole point.

So it wasn’t his first choice in movies, there is a reason they call them chick flicks.  Why did he agree to watch it?  He was compromising with his girlfriend, watching what she wanted so that next time they will watch what he chooses, seems fair.  But when you are complaining the entire time you are doing something you have agreed to do, you steal the joy from the experience.  Yes, we girls take the good natured ribbing you give us about how the plots are unrealistic, blah, blah, but is it really that miserable?

I mean the reason you are sitting there on the couch with your arm tucked around her shoulders is to spend time with your girl.  She enjoyed the movie, thought it was a cute premise, understands it isn’t realistic but is congratulating herself that her guy cared enough to watch it with her.  Then he complains and “poof” there goes that illusion.

Now apparently to “even things out” Jackson will soon be subjecting his sweet girlfriend to an action movie – perhaps someone saving the country – because THAT is realistic.  Or a movie with gratituous violence – just what the world needs – more violence.    Why doesn’t Hollywood make a movie about a real cops day?  I happen to know Jackson finds Monty Python worth his time and I have yet to even find a plot in those movies.  Seriously Jackson it isn’t just the romantic comedy genre.

I’m picking on Jackson but talking to the whole gender.  Look we understand the premise for romantic comedies are sometimes far fetched.  We know that isn’t real life.  But let us enjoy the idea at least for a little while.  And while we are pretending that romance isn’t dead and that you may be our prince charming at least pretend you wouldn’t rather be…. washing your hair.

By now you know my baby brother is getting married on Saturday, so of course a lot of my family is coming into town.  On Monday I picked my baby cousin up at the airport, she came down to stay with the kids and I for the week before the wedding.

One of my favorite memories of her is when she attended my high school graduation 14 years ago.  As I walked across the stage and received my diploma I could hear a child’s voice call out my name.  Later my aunt said yes Baby Cousin had called my name before she could quiet her.

Baby cousin is 16 now, I can hardly believe it.  In my humble option we are close for living 500 miles apart.  My kids love her, honestly she is closer in age to my kids than to me, as if she is their big cousin.  It’s kind of fun to see it come full circle and it makes me feel old.

She has played Wii with Chandler.  Played house with Grace and Lee.  Gone swimming with them.  Today we rode go karts.  But there are also reminders that she is a teenager.  She spends time on her hair and has cute stylish clothes.  She has a cell phone and has called a friend several times.  Just a reminder I am not ready for a teenager.

I have now been divorced for 8 months.  I have been a single mother for at least 3 years.  Every minute of my life revolves around doing what is right, last Monday I didn’t.  Last Monday I left my kids with my parents and went to Home Run Hitter’s softball game.  And after the game we went off by ourselves and I kissed him.  And for a time I allowed myself to think, what if.

It’s not his fault, I got way ahead of myself.  I was going to all his games, flirting, staying out very late at night.  Acting single and carefree.  Perhaps it’s because I have known HRH since middle school that I could pretend for a little while.  He could hold me and kiss me and I could be that carefree girl I used to be.  I could be the girl I was in high school or college for just a little while at least.

The truth is I’m not carefree.  My life is complicated.  I did have to get a baby sitter when I went to his games because I didn’t want the kids to see me flirting.   And when he played with the girls in the pool I was so excited to see him interact so easily with Grace and Lee.  But I am a long way from introducing them to a boyfriend.

HRH is not my prince charming, I can see that.  I could see it then but I got swept up in the idea.   I’m lonely.  I miss having someone to talk to at night.  I miss having someone hold my hand.  It’s not his fault he isn’t my prince charming, I got carried away.  For a few hours I forgot the weight I carry on my shoulders, I set down my baggage and enjoyed the weightlessness.  But it isn’t real.  My life is complicated, forgetting that only makes it harder.

Stuart’s upcoming wedding has really caused me to do a lot of reflecting on my own failed marriage.

Let’s start at the begining.  I met Mr. Wrong in May, he was dating a friend of mine.  I was 19, he was 18.  I got pregnant in July, he left for basic training in September and we were married in December.  Chandler was born in April.  So to start with we didn’t have much of a foundation.

There were signs even in the beginning.  I can remember calling my best friend crying about the names he would call me, the nasty things he would say.  Eventually it just became the norm.  Throughout most of our 10 year marriage Mr. Wrong had a woman on the side.  For the last two years it was his current wife, Miss Peach.   I had very few friends and very little life outside the family.

On the other hand I was the perfect wife.  Hardly.  I made mistakes, too.  There were things I could have done differently.  I could have kept the house cleaner, worked on being a better cook, spent more time on my looks.  I can accept the responsibility for not standing up to Mr. Wrong when I should have and looking back I can see those times when I should have.

And you know what else, you teach people how to treat you (can you hear that in Dr. Phil’s voice?).    It’s important and it’s a lesson I’m still learning.  These days that is what I focus on, me.  It was miserable, unhealthy and destructive and it was MY marriage. 

Yet even through all that I still believe that marriage works.  I think when you find the right person, build a foundation, establish respect and trust for the other person, marriage works.  And it takes hard work.  I think Stuart and Miss Lilac are going to be great.  And maybe one day I will find my Mr. Right, seriously.

Yesterday I ran into Home Run Hitter at the pool.  I was sitting there talking to a friend from high school I haven’t seen in awhile and she starts talking about HRH.  She had been at a party a few weeks ago and talked about me. (See my grin.)  Then we went on to chat about our exs – we are both single mothers.  A truck I didn’t recognise pulled in and I didn’t think anything of it until she says “speak of the devil.” 

So I am at the pool with Grace and Lee, talking to people with no where to run, no mirror to make sure my mascara hasn’t run.  And wearing a bathing suit!  Now you might say “hasn’t he seen you in a bathing suit before?”  Well yes but it was 10 o’clock at night.  Anyway he came and sat with us until my friend’s daughter dragged him into the pool.  And he played with the kids, including Grace and Lee.  He was throwing Lee in the air and I was struck by something she had told my mother.  Lee said “Mommy needs a boyfriend.”  Mom asked “Why?”  “So he can throw us in the pool.”  So there he was fulfilling that fantasy for her and she didn’t even know.

My friend manipulated the kids so we had a chance to talk at which point HRH says “You’re daughters are beautiful.”  He wants kids, says so but four step-children?  Even I don’t kid myself it’s a lot of baggage.

Then he says something about the game tomorrow (tonight, Monday).  Tells me it’s the early game.  Then he tells me a lot of people will be there, including his ex.  There is some convoluted reason he is related to her, his brother married someone in her family.  STOP!  I get it, it’s redneck.

But do I go?  I have to tell you I look hot.  The tan I got yesterday really looks great against this black top someone gave me recently that is perfect to wear to the field.  Plus with my hair and makeup done I feel like a million bucks these days.  So do I go and show off how hot and classy I am compared to this woman who dumped him? (It isn’t that recent.)  Or do I stay home and see if he misses me?  Or do I quit overthinking this and just go and have fun?  Thoughts?  Please….

Not mine! Stuart and Miss Lilac of course. 

My baby brother is getting married.  I know I have said this before but it is finally begining to sink in.  You never know it’s going to be the last time, until it is.  Since the divorce it has been back to the four of us, at Christmas it was just us and mom and dad.  I knew that wouldn’t last forever, didn’t expect it would.  Still I draw great comfort in having my family, the family I spent the first half of my life with, all together.

I have loved being the big sister to my three “little brothers.”  Stuart is 8 years younger than me.  When he was a baby I used to dress him up like a girl, thankfully he has suffered no ill effects from that.  As he grew mainly he was a pain in my butt, the little brother who considered it his job to make a nuisance of himself.  And he was very good at it.  Remember the phase when he would go for days without showering?

When he was in high school he came to stay with me, Mr. Wrong and Chandler for his Spring Break when we were living in Texas.  We had a great time, we put a seat for Chandler on the back of a bike and he rode all over the neigborhood.  Then just before he left for home I tried to give him a haircut, poor kid, he probably put a bag over his head as soon as we dropped him off at the airport.

Now our relationship is one of adult siblings.  We don’t talk all that often but it’s comforting knowing he is only a phone call away.  And I often do call, with computer questions, he’s very smart.  Or we chat on google. 

So my baby brother is getting married.  This changes things, not bad changes things, just changes things.  I’m excited for him but I’m finding myself a little wistful, too.

I forgot to tell you about the something very fun that happened over the weekend.

Friday night I went to see my friend’s husband’s band - The Wrest play at Sharky’s.  He is really good and the band is really good.  Anyway we were dancing having a great time when this guy asks if he can join them onstage.  Turns out he is Wendell Cox, the guitar player for Travis Tritt who was in town for a concert Saturday night.

Travis Tritt was big when I was in high school in the 90s.  Anyway here is a picture, taken from my phone so it’s not the best of quality, sorry.  Wendell is on the left, the guy on the right is my friend’s husband.

Wendell and Tommy