I’ll think about it tomorrow

This morning while we were waiting for the bus Grace asked me to grab the camera.

Aren’t they just beautiful?

This is Lee, getting personal with the camera.

Here is Grace.  This smirk is one of her patented expressions.

Finally we can hear the bus and they grab their backpacks.  Don’t you just love moments like these?

One of the hardest parts of being a single mother is when I have to “fill in the Daddy spot.”  Recently I discovered my son has billed about $80 to our cellphone pulling pictures off the web onto his phone.  He is only 11!

Now I could get completely off topic and say the first time he tried this was when he was with his friend A.  Last time these two got together A’s dad basically accused my son of being a bad influence.  Well how come my never knew how to download this stuff until he spends time with A?  This is no excuse, he still engaged in the behavior but this kid is a catalyst. 

Chandler quit this behavior all on his own 2 days later but the $80 had already been spent.  And was discovered by me on Saturday when the bill arrived.  It is a really good thing he was with his dad this weekend because it gave me a chance to calm down and plan out what I would say.

So last night after the kids got home and the girls were in bed I sat down with Chandler.  We talked about why he did it.  We talked about what the consequences would be.  We discussed the money it will cost.  And do you know what?  There was no crying.  There was no “that’s no fair.”  There was no “I hate my life, I want to go live with Daddy.”  None of the awful yelling I was expecting.  Chandler was truly remorseful of his behavior.

And when I got back downstairs I breathed a sigh of relief.  I had been dreading the conversation.  In my opinion this is the kind of conversation a boy should have with his father.  Unfortunately the last time I tried talking to his dad about it I basically got blown off and accused of blowing things out of proportion.  So I decided it was up to me to have the conversation myself.  I’m glad I did, it went better than I could have hoped.

Maybe I’m getting the hang of this mommy and daddy thing.

The anniversary of Septmeber 11th had me remembering where I was on that day and reflecting on the changes in my life since then.  I have moved.  I have four kids.  I’m divorced.  Those are the big changes you can see from the outside.

What you can’t see on first glance is how much happier I am.  On my refrigerator I have a picture of myself that a friend took.  When she sent it to me the first thing I noticed was my smile.  You know the kind of smile that goes all the way to your eyes, a genuine “I’m happy” smile.  I hadn’t seen one of those on me in so long.  In high school I was known for my smile, it was good to see it again.

Going through a separation and divorce is devastating.  Emotionally, physically, financially.  Mr. Wrong and I used to talk about when we retired we would buy an RV and drive around the country  or following the Red Sox or Nascar.  We  will never dance together at our children’s weddings, hopefully we will be there together but it won’t be the same.   There are dreams for the future that are lost.  Because as unhealthy as our marriage was we still had those things together. 

We were separated for two and a half years before the divorce was final.  During the separation we tried counseling three different times.  When I first called a divorce attorney he told me that couples do not survive this, I wish I had listened to him then.  I didn’t and spent nearly three years attempting to salvage a crumbled marriage.  In that time the little I lost the little self respect I had left,  I lost myself.  And the judge signing the papers making the divorce official didn’t give it back.  The first few months I spent numb, trying to accept the fact that it really truely was over.

This summer brought me back to life.  I started going out with friends again.  I went dancing and made new friends.  I found out where Bahama Joes is.  I sat at the softball field and cheered for old friends.  I went to the pool and became friends with people that had previously only been aquaintinces.  I went on vacation by myself.  I took the kids on vacation by myself.

At the beginning of the summer I went to the lake by myself for the 4th of July holiday.  I went to the family meeting and remembered why I loved the lake and all the memories I had made there.  And I renewed my belief that I will be part of the family who carries this special place to the future generations.  I sat on the Palace Rocks the morning I was to leave and cried.  I cried for all I had lost and my uncertainty about the future. 

At the end of July my baby brother got married renewing my belief that true loves exists.  I got a sister, who I can call a friend.  I enjoyed the preparation, buying my bridesmaid dress, throwing a bachlorette party, endless fittings for the flower girl dresses.  And when the big day arrived it was beautiful.  I had a great time with my family.  I enjoyed seeing old friends.  I danced with my girls.  And not once did I lament not having a man by my side.

Then came my two week visit to the lake with the kids.  If you read my blog you know that I came alive again.  I quit surviving and started living.  I had fun with the kids, I had fun with my cousins, I had fun with the firemen.  And this time when I lay on the dock the night before I left I was completely at peace.  My soul had been restored.

I cannot pinpoint exactly when my closure came, all I know is that by the end of the summer my life was changed.  I have regained my positive outlook on life, my smile is back.  Yes, in the last seven years my life has changed drastically.  Life is good.

Do you remember what you were doing 7 years ago today?  I got up and went to work like any other day.  I was still married and ex was a stay at home dad to our two children.  Our son was in preschool three days a week but not on Tuesdays.

I had been at work for about an hour when we first heard that a plane had crashed into the north tower of the Trade Center.  One of the girls on my floor was on the phone with her brother and all of the sudden you could heard him yelling “Holy shit!  There’s another one!  It hit the other tower!”  All of the sudden everybody was talking at once.  People were still coming into work and were just learning what had happened.  We quit working and everyone started talking, noise and buzz all around me.

I remember sitting at my desk and thinking my world had just changed drastically.  Finally my manager came over to me and asked, “Are you okay?”  You see I am a talker and for me to be sitting quietly is complete out of my nature.  An hour later I left for home, the roads were empty.  When I got home ex had to leave for his National Guard Armory.  So it was me, Chandler and Grace.  Like every other American I was glued to the television.

This summer while I was at the lake late one night I was sitting with two of New York City’s Bravest and asked them about it.  Neither of them were firefighters on September 11th, the four younger guys all got on shortly after.  They had all been on a list waiting for their chance to get on.  The harsh reality is the list moved quickly and the four younger guys started training several months later.

Having spent three days with a dozen New York City’s Bravest I have a new found respect for them.  They have a heart warming camaraderie.  They argue withpassion and defend each other with just as much passion.  Everything I have always imagined them to be, they were.  Strong, hard working, hard playing, good looking, they were.  And when I imagine the firefighters that rushed into the twin towers that day I am certain they were guys just like mine. 

I wonder what they will do today.  On the anniversary of the day my world changed and their future took a new course.

Sorry I just came across this and was so excited I had to share.  This is one of my favorite movies from my childhood.  The idea there will be a Ghostbusters 3!  Alright so they have only now hired writers and it will be several years before we actually see the movie.  I’m still excited.

On the subject of movies I’m looking for someone to go see Nights in Rodanthe with me.  It opens September 26!

A couple weeks ago I heard an obviously untrue rumor about my friend Davis, last weekend I heard the same thing repeated by two completely different sources.  Never to be one to believe the gossip I called Davis and we had a laugh about it.  It isn’t true.  Ahh the local rumor mill.  You cannot make this stuff up… well actually I guess someone can…

This time it is about me.  Remember I said I was going out with Home Run Hitter last weekend?  I was actually going out with a group of friends, HRH included.  We had a great time.  Dinner, local club, a party, back to our friends house.  Here’s the thing we were out in public, saw people we knew, talked to people we knew.  I even made a new friend, he is actually the grandson of one of my father’s bigger supporters.  Turns out he and HRH went to elementary school together for like one year. 

Wait, I’ve gotten off track.  Back to the rumor.  So people are beginning to ask me if HRH and I are dating.  Well thats not actually true I had one friend call and say “tell me you are not dating that loser [HRH]!  I can come kick your ass if you need it.”  Oh and even Mr. Wrong has heard about it.  When I inisted we are just friends he says, “I don’t think friends would be doing the things you two were.”  From another source I have heard we were “all over each other” on the dance floor.  I’m sorry, much as I love to dance, I did not dance with HRH.  Never even made it to the dance floor.

When HRH called tonight he said “I don’t remember dancing”.  He laughed, said “Fuck ‘em.”  I wish I could have that kind of attitude, I just don’t.  You would think I would have learned by now, I just haven’t.   But there isn’t anything I can do about it, trying to tell people it isn’t true just pours fuel on the fire.  So I guess I’ll just have to wait until next week and they are talking about someone else.

Rain and Nascar do not go together.  Tropical Storm Hanna is upon us and the race has been postponed until Sunday.  This has wrecked havoc on my tailgating plans.  This is the last race in Richmond my Tony will be driving for Joe Gibbs, number 20 and Home Depot.  Tony has been my driver for what?  7 years.  Ever since Dale was killed and Rusty Wallace got old.  He won the cup championship the second year I was a fan but I promise I’m not a fair weather fan.

Why am I a fan of the famous cry baby, king of drama?  Well that’s it exactly, he is known for his drama and more than once I have been told I have a flair for the dramatic.  Oh and at 37, I think he is absolutely adorable – yes, I even like the long hair. 

In our town Nascar is big.  Just about everyone has a driver.  And no one who is a real Nascar fan is a Jeff Gordon fan.  Forget trying to plan something on race weekend, no one will show up.  Because whether you have tickets or not you need to be at the racetrack.  Tailgating.  It’s the best part of racing.  I have friends who have been there since Wednesday.  I have friends waiting out these tropical storm rains in the protection of an RV.  And as soon as the rain ends the tailgating will spring back to life.

And I want to be there.  Only the friend I was riding with decided to skip it on Sunday.  Well I will not be skipping it.  I’m going.  I just have to make a few more calls.  Because have you ever tried driving around the racetrack the day of the race?

The kids went back to school on Tuesday.  Grace and Lee love their new teachers.  Chandler says he likes his teachers, he now changes teachers for every class.  Caroline is going to a new sitter this year.  She now goes to her boyfriend’s house 3 days a week. 

And I started back to work on my regular schedule.  Did I tell you that I don’t work regular hours during the summer?  Anyway I did not work regular hours during the summer, basically with four kids it isn’t worth it.  Somehow even though I wasn’t working my days still filled up. 

This summer was good for me.  My two weeks at the lake were so good for me.  I learned a lot about myself, I grew a lot.  And I had a great time.

But now it’s time to get back into the routine.  To live out those lessons I learned this summer.  To carry out the promises I made to myself.  I got to work on time yesterday and today – that is an accomplishment for me.  Now if I could just get up on time, maybe I should go to bed…